Ask Doctor Plokta

Dr. Plokta has told us that his previous excesses were mere aberrations; as a result we've given him one last chance.

Dear Dr Plokta

Well, here I am, out in the big wide world. And it's not very comfortable, is it? Sometimes it gets too hot, and sometimes it gets too cold. It's much bigger than what I'm used to, but I can't seem to get around very well. And all the lights are too bright. Do you have any advice?

Dr Plokta replies: As you have discovered, this is a beta test version of Microsoft® Life™. I recommend waiting for at least version 2.1.

Dear Dr Plotka

When are you going to stop banging on about superfluous technology and write about something more interesting instead?

"Neo-Luddite" of Folkestone

Dr Plokta replies: As I've said before, there is no such thing as superfluous technology, as you can never have too much of a good thing. Technology is at the heart of Plokta's future plans, and you'd better get used to it.

Already, Plokta intelligent agents are lurking in crevices in the Web, reporting all transactions to Plokta HQ. In giant vats beneath Milton Keynes we are breeding genetically engineered android soldiers who will obey our every whim. The Orbital Mind Control Lasers have been brought out of retirement, and the Plokta space shuttle is working round the clock ferrying our technicians into orbit to refurbish them.

Soon, very soon, we will strike. The Internet is already ours, and the Orbital Mind Control Lasers will paralyse all opposition while our androids capture London, Paris, Washington and Moscow. Superior technology is ours! Resistance is useless! Traitors will be liquidated! No nation can resist the might of PLOKTA! Trust the Computer! The Computer is your friend! Bow down befo...

[Ed: Dr Plokta has been diagnosed as suffering from stress and nervous exhaustion. We've sent him on holiday again, and told him not to come back until he's better. We apologise for any inconvenience and return you to your normal programming.]

Dear Plokta Polloi

My husband and I were most distressed to see your article HRH Silly Cow of the Month, and we order you not to refer to Sarah, Duchess of York, in this fashion in the future. When one talks about the silly cow, one must not use the letters HRH. Is this absolutely clear?

Yours plurally, queen@uk

The Plokta cabal replies: Yes Ma'am. It was an oversight. It won't happen again. Mind you, one probably won't think much of HRH Dopey Tart of the Month next issue, will one?

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