Dear Dr Plokta, I am having trouble getting my pieces of technology to talk to each other. No, IUm not talking about my 3S Amstrad PCW 8256 disks into my Macintosh LC IIUs 3.5S disk drive, itUs a more superfluous problem than that.

YUsee, now I've got email at home (with a super, borrowed, 2400 bd modem) I find it more convenient to compose my e-mail off-line, using ClarisWorks v2.0. When I cut and paste the text into an e-mail, it turns all the apostrophes and quotation marks into capital Us and Rs and such like.

For example, and I quote, RYouUve never had it so good.S What can I do? Yours desperately,

b.hardcastle@ic.ac.uk

Doctor Plokta replies: To be having no fear. If text are being submitted to honourable English to Japanese translation system, apostrophes are being irrelevant as not used in celestial Nipponese language. Resubmission to Japanese to English system ensures text like on moonlit pond petals falling, and apostrophes are being inserted automaticall'y.

Dear Doctor Plokta: How can I protect myself against finding filth like the following when I am innocently wandering the web?

http://www.shagger.com/

I am sure you will be as surprised as I was at the content of this page.

martin@soho.sgi.com

Doctor Plokta replies: I can recommend some excellent web censoring software from America, which censors 99% of all known web pages stone dead. This should do the trick.

Dear Doctor Plokta: Please help me. For months I have believed that my mistress had eyes for only me. However, recently I have come to suspect that her head has been turned by Steve Davies' sexy new HP Laserjet 5P. How can I make her love me again?

Brother660@fuggles.demon.co.uk

Doctor Plokta replies: Serves you right for failing your State of the Art rolls, doesn't it?